Apr. 28th, 2009

I've got too much on my mind...Hence why I am not sleeping right this moment. Like I should be. Mostly things that are looming large rather than having many items. Like I've been talking to people lately about going to school. Specifically a local school that specializes in training medical personnel. I was looking at being a Phlebotomy Technician. But to be honest, I'm not enamored of the idea. The motivation was to get into something where I could make more money. I want to pay off my debts and just generally get into a more solid financial place. The added bonus to the medical field is that I would know that I was benefiting people in general, not just myself. But I'm nervous and scared and not confident in my ability to do it besides knowing that I don't want to spend my life/make a total career out of it. Since I've told people about it, it bothers me that I'll look like a fool/coward or something for backing out of the path I told them I was embarking on. I know it's more important to do what's best for me, but.... What if I don't know what's best? What I want to do? The only real job I've had is Value Village. I don't know what else I might enjoy or want to do. At least not with the economy so uncertain. I know I love books and would be happy working with that, but it's not a good choice right now. Someday, being an editor or something would be suited to me, but it's not a well paid position as far as I've heard. So it's the "when I'm financially comfortable to do what I love" kind of "some day".

So, should I just take more classes at community college and hope something sparks? That I find something I'm honestly good at? There have been numerous times I've read something and thought "Wow!" because the people or the job/field/profession that I was reading bout were so impressive. It made me want to be like them. But I can't think of anything in particular right now. And there have always been so many that it seems/is impossible to aim for multiple... And so I know I can't have found my "calling" or at least something I can really get into if I so easily feel the draw of various other things out there. Indecision is one of my biggest flaws. Coupled with insecurity that makes a fist in my gut and chills my heart (yes I realize that sounds dramatic...blame the muse who must be getting revenge...that I'm not resting or writing on Ice/Flame...)

Getting a lecture/rant about doing what I WANT to do and being told I sounded like I was going around in circles about the phlebotomy choice...kind of threw me off. I had at least gone far enough to meet with the admissions at Pima Medical Institute, but the lecture combined with the fact that I wasn't totally sure in the first place..... Well now I'm back to where I was. Fretting about whether I should do it or not. Plus my Mom's teacher at her school had me meet with her to try and tell me Everest College has the better accreditation that would allow someone to be certified in their chosen field. Both schools tell me phlebotomy might be too narrow a field, but I don't know that I have the stomach for anything more intensive (seeing wounds etc) or the memory to handle as much information as those fields seem to require.

So I decided to vent all the uncertainties I could think of onto this (web)page. I really don't know what I should do. I know that I have people who care about me and they believe in me. And I appreciate that. Really, I do. But it only does so much good if I don't believe in myself. Or if I don't believe in the choice I'm making. Or if I just plain don't know what to do.

Combine that with worrying about my Mom and wanting her to complete the schooling she's in now because she is doig so damn good...Wanting her to get good work and be confident and strong and financially able to leave the jerk she lives with that makes her days roller coasters that can change course on a hair spin turn or drop...

My little brother is over in Iraq...

My coworker's husband is struggling to put his life back together and I plan on helping despite the reluctance of my room mates. But doing things that run directly against the will of other people I care about is hard on me. Even if I believe I'm doing the right thing or at least, a good thing.

Trying to wrangle (figuratively) with the manager to get things fixed in our apartment...

Worrying about my dog's itching problem.

Worrying about my own health and precarious job situation.

Worry about the state of my soul and the choices I make.

Worrying about my debt and plans that I've made...

Concerned for various real time and online friends and their situations...

I'm a worry wart and my tendencies to procrastinate and absent minded nature are no help to me at all. At this rate I would be more surprised to find out I don't have acid reflux or an ulcer than if I won the lottery.

All right. So I feel a tad better. Damn it. Never mind. Going over the list of negative things to be sure I didn't forget anything only makes me think of them again and start the process all over again.

Please forgive this rambling rant and the ego to whine about such petty issues when there are people I know and people I don't who have bigger problems and worries on their mind and still manage to keep moving forward with their lives. I've stopped or slowed or stagnated to some extent/in some areas. I feel pressure in a sense from the things I've claimed to plan to do and the pressure to do SOMETHING when every direction looks the same or I just don't know which way to move so how can I progress? And then there is my over thinking in worrying "Well if I take this path, what if it's the wrong one? Will that be a waste of my time? Do I want to risk it being or feeling like a waste?"

I KNOW it's not changing anything to worry about it. To let that worry overwhelm me to the point where I make no choice at all rather than take a risk... I know that's worse than wasting time in the wrong direction...in it's own way.

I could write like this for hours. And I don't have that time to wast and I'm sure by the end anyone who bothered to read it would be thoroughly sick of me and my whining. But this is what it's like in my head. Turned round in circles by my own issues and then spun in other directions by the opinions/advice of others or of newly acquired information.

So I will cut this off before it gets any worse. Ta-ta!



May 2009


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